There are two things new users should note before using the Burntisland Beach Disaster program. First, excessive use will lead to bouts of extreme physical violence and permanent depression. Second, we are not responsible for long-lasting psychological wounds incurred in the use of the program, or the resultant murders, suicides or massacres. Please observe the warnings placed throughout this brief walkthrough.

 

 

→ Getting Started

 

Burntisland Beach Disaster brings all the mileage, violence and drizzle of a small boy’s trip to Burntisland with his family straight to your home entertainment system! Burntisland is a small coastal village in Central Scotland with a luxurious ten-yard beachfront and trash-polluted promenade, perfect for tragic family outings! To begin, please select items for use on the beach from the following: comic books, crayons, Gameboy, Walkman. Choose wisely! Your choice will determine the volume of entertainment on the trip. Remember: the aim of the game is to have as miserable a time as possible.

 

 

→ Car

 

Your first task: climb aboard the purple Proton Satria and practise sulking. This is the most important skill to develop in the game. Each sulk should be so powerful as to force both parents into a heartfelt guilt that makes them yield to your every want. Once you are on the road, begin staring at trees and grass. When passing farms, make cows explode using the power of your mind. Send sheep into orbit with the full force of your hatred. Remember that you never wanted to go on this trip in the first place, how you could be at home getting to the boss stage on level six of Sonic 3. Harness that rage!

 

 

Next: invent games to sustain interest during the two-hour trip. The first game is Irritate Big Sister Until She Punches Your Face. The rules: upon counting ten blue cars, punch your sister in the arm. If ten blue cars don’t appear, punch your sister in the neck. Upon sighting a Skoda, sneak another Kit-Kat from the picnic bag. At each stop sign, kick your sister in the legs and look away really fast, jutting the chin in mock innocence. The goal: to provoke your sister until she offers a retaliatory strike, offering you a chance to win parental favour: “Mum, she hit me!”

 

 

 

→ Arrival

Remember: a Scottish beach does not qualify as an actual beach, more an arrangement of pebbles on seaweed. Try to locate the largest square inch of sand among the pebbles while building on skills learned in the car—concentrated sulking and sustained physical violence. Task: create the first hysterical tantrum of the afternoon. Use effective scowling techniques (arched eyebrows, clenched jaw, clown frown) and gesticulations (folded arms, stomping feet) to induce a reaction of utter indifference from your parents. Remember: do not lift a finger as the picnic rug is laid, and make a fuss when sitting down in case sand ants go up your bum.

           

Careful! Too large a tantrum and food might be withheld, and points are deducted for each begrudging apology made in order to procure Kit-Kats. It is important to avoid making apologies for misbehaviour, these spell death for your character! An apology would not be in keeping with your miserable persona, and might lead to an apologetic hug with your mother, and a new feeling of inclusion and pleasure—a total game fail.

 

 

 

→ Duration

 

There are two crucial choices to make here: go for a walk among the pebbles, or don’t go for a walk among the pebbles. This is the toughest part of the game—lunch is consumed, and a feeling of mellowness starts to creep over everyone, including yourself. To get started: threaten to push your sister into the water, then start prodding her nearer and nearer until she screams. (You might even want to shove her in, if you dare!)

 

Earn points niggling at your parents. Your father dislikes rolling up his trousers to paddle, so splash him with water. Bring that frown to a quivering scowl until he flares up and explodes. This will shake you deeply, being sensitive beneath the spiteful posturing. The more tears you generate, the greater your rewards! Expert players will learn how to pique their fathers in such a way as to bring them to bursting point right from the start.

 

Tease your mother about how wan she looks under the grey afternoon sun and discuss the improbability of her ever picking up a tan, ever in her whole life, even if she goes abroad, ever. This is called the Full-Frontal Confidence Grind-Down and over repeated plays, you will get your mother to become so morose she makes the trip even more miserable, with any hopes of her son becoming nice and friendly ebbing slowly  away.

 

 

Other high point-scorers: throwing crisp packets in the sea, throwing pebbles at seagulls, running into the sea and losing your trunks, crying about the sand stuck to your legs and your cold penis.

 

 

→ Return

 

Twenty minutes in, it will start to drizzle. This is when the stakes are highest: a declaration of the utter failure of this trip must be made outright. Both parents must concede the afternoon was a waste of time, and show genuine outrage at your pathetic behaviour.

 

To test the brokenness of your sister, initiate an innocent game of potatoes with her. If she scowls, bashes away your fist, or hits you on the head, you’re halfway there. Bait your father by asking if he got his feet wet. You should feel steam wafting towards you, or have your eardrums shatter by the force of his ballistic howling. Your mother shouldn’t be able to respond, too numb with disappointment and desolation. She might toss a Kit-Kat in the back—a sign she has given up, that she will be your slave forever, as long as you leave her alone, leave her to her misery and broken dreams.

 

 

Last level: back home, an icy silence in the car. You should feel a sense of victory, but a deep burning guilt should come over you in waves, a guilt that you have tarnished all trips to Burntisland beach in the drizzly summer, that you won’t ever go on another trip again. You should burst into tears or throw your head between your knees, rocking back and forth, cursing the monster you have become, the nasty brute who hurts his family.

 

Now that the game is complete, you can choose from a series of bonus levels: The Torphichen Auntie Visitation Debacle, The Blackridge School Bus Massacre and The East Calder Bully Breakdown. Remember, if you don’t feel that hurt, pain and shame deep down in your chest, you haven’t really won!